DanicaDream's Xanga

Taxes and Lies

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:58:38 GMT

Every year, I meet folks determined to cheat the system. Every year, I patiently explain to them that they are breaking the law and how they can work in compliance with the law.

But this year... this year, it's worse. This year, I've had folks who seem to be the nicest people in the world look me straight in the eye and lie. Not just lie, but when I catch them in the lie, they ask me to lie for them.

Because after all, everyone lies on their taxes. Or that's what they try to tell you.

Sorry, but no. That's a lie.

Everyone does not lie on their taxes.

Yes, it is a tough economy. Yes, I do know what it's like to not know how you're going to make it to the end of the month.

But I also know that there are a lot of decent, hardworking folks who do not lie on their taxes to get additional tax breaks. They don't tell me to fudge the numbers because no one will ever know the difference. And they struggle. They count on getting a refund because it's the difference between getting evicted and staying on for a little while longer until hopefully they find another job. They are brutally honest about the sad state of affairs. For some, it would be so easy to lie. So easy to fudge a number or two. But they don't.

What is the price of integrity? A few hundred dollars? A few thousand dollars? I don't know. But somehow, people think that they are so entitled to the government's money that they will lie to get it. Funny thing is, it's not really the government's money. It's our money. It's your money. It's the money belonging to the folks who are out there, struggling to make ends meet.

When you lie on your taxes, you are not just getting yourself a better deal. You are not just taking a deduction that you think you're entitled to that the government isn't smart enough to recognize. You are stealing from your friends and neighbors. Some of whom are stealing from you. But a lot of them- even the ones impacted by the same rough economy, the same job losses, the same fear of losing their homes- are sitting back and taking the hit.

I know, it's tempting to fudge a number or two, to "deduct" something you think should be a deduction even though it's not. But it's still a lie. Legally, it's fraud. I'm starting to get really angry at the folks who think I wouldn't mind committing a crime and facing stiff legal penalties to help perpetuate their lies. And when I'm not mad, I'm really sad. Because these same people actually believe there's nothing wrong with what they're doing. Maybe I've got the wrong version of the Bible, but mine doesn't say Thou shalt not lie, except to the IRS. Mine says something about paying Caesar what's Caesar's.

So could you please do me a favor? When you're doing your taxes, could you just be honest? Please don't lie to me and think that I don't know the difference. Trust me, I do. And please don't ask me, or anyone else for that matter, to lie for you. Just like you, the person preparing your taxes is signing under penalty of perjury. That's fancy speak for saying, "I didn't lie or know about any lies involved in this mess."

And that, my friends, is the truth.

My Man

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 02:14:28 GMT

Since I didn't do anything for him for V Day (didn't remember it was VDay til now, I'm a romance writer, go figure), I'll bite..

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is he watching?

Really? Must I admit to this? I'm traumatized. Some sort of Dune buggy race thing. Seriously. Do people really DO this? Obviously they must... but really... must it be on TV? (Okay, we do watch Chuck and CSI together, but everything else he watches is weird man junk that scares me.)

2.You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?

Vinegar. No oil. Just vinegar.

3. What's one food he doesn't like?

Scallops

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does he order?

Cherry Iced Tea. If you're reading it with a strange look, it's iced tea with grenadine.

5.Where did he go to high school?
Kennedy

6. What size shoe does he wear?

7 and trust me, it's really tough to find that in men's.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?

*laughs hysterically* The real question is: what doesn't he collect?

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?

Roast beef

9. What would this person eat every day if he could?

Dead cow. Lots of dead. Lots of cow. Actually, not so much on the lots of dead. I cook it more than he likes.

10. What is his favorite cereal?

Is it cheating if I ask him? I think it's Captain Crunch, but I'm morally opposed to sugary breakfast cereal, so I don't buy it.

(He was reading over my shoulder and wanted to know why I was laughing so hard. He says his favorite cereal is Frosted Mini Wheats. For the record, in the eleven years of being together, I have never seen him eat Frosted Mini Wheats.)

11. What would he never wear?

A thong.

12. What is his favorite sports team?

The Colorado Comets. Honk if you've heard of them.

13. Who did he vote for?

McCain-Palin

14. Who is his best friend?

Me, but he's also got Luke and Joel.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?

Nothing because he thinks I'm perfect.

16. What is his heritage?

Slovenian. With a little Mc in there (So I can be Chip MacGregor's Scottish cousin)

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?

Cheesecake. (He just told me that after 11 years of knocking myself out to get him cherry, that he prefers plain. Oh, sorry. 10. I apparently missed last year. Yoiks. The things these quizzes do to make a perfectly fine marriage rocky. See why I never do these quiz thingys?)

18. Did he play sports in high school?

Yes. Soccer and Diving. I even have pictures of him in a Speedo to prove it. Not that I'll let anyone see pictures of MY husband in a Speedo. And really, that's gross. I'm traumatized again. Speedos are just a bad idea in general.

19. What could he spend hours doing?

Messing around on the computer, touring historical places.

20. What is one unique talent he has??

That's a secret I'll take to the grave. (He says it's because I can't think of anything. He's right. But that's not really the point, now is it?)

Chris Tomlin Concert

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 11:00:17 GMT

It's 4:22 a.m., I have a bad cold, can't sleep, so sorry, I could not come up with a better title. :)

Friday night That Man and I went to see a Chris Tomlin concert here in Denver. We had a great night.

I admit, I was torn between excited, apprehensive, and sad at the whole thing. Excited because I really enjoy Chris's music, and his latest album, Hello Love, is one I particularly enjoy. However, I was apprehensive because one thing I've learned with all the Christian shows I've been to, the bigger the name, the bigger the "show." And I don't mean that in a complementary way. As many of you know, I've been to a number of Todd Agnew concerts. I love him. Love his heart. Love how he isn't afraid to be real on stage. Frankly, he's spoiled me in terms of what my expectations are for a Christian show. I expect to worship. I expect to encounter the Lord. I expect that the person on stage will be full of God and not full of themselves.

Truthfully, I was afraid that I'd go to the Chris Tomlin concert and walk away disappointed that the guy on stage was not the guy singing the songs. There's a number of artists I can't listen to any more because they've come across as too fake when I see them in concert. Chris's music has blessed me so much that I didn't want to have that same creepy feeling in my stomach.

And then, I was sad because it so happened that the same night, Todd had a show in Arizona that a couple of my friends were going to see and they invited me to join them. There was no way I could get the time off work. Plus, I'd already gotten the Tomlin tickets and hubby was semi excited (read: as excited as That Man gets) about going.

So we went.

I was pleasantly surprised at the show. The first thing I noticed was the wide background of folks there. On one side of us sat an upper middle class white couple. On the other side, a group of Asian teens. In front of us was a group of African Americans, and I'm pretty sure they were all from the same church... maybe they all got tickets together or something. Behind us sat a group of older folks. As I scanned the room, I couldn't help but think that Heaven must look something like this. People of all ages, ethnicity, socio-economic standing, and yet, we were all there to worship. How cool is that? I have honestly never seen such a diverse mix of people so well blended.

As far as my fears of Chris appearing fake... um, far from it. He seemed like a down to earth guy who genuinely reveled in not only worshiping the Lord, but in watching the audience worship as well. He didn't talk about how great he was, which is something I really appreciated. Of course, he didn't pull a Todd and start chatting about the Lord (which I LOVE), but I guess there's only one Todd Agnew.

I still missed the easy camaraderie of being at the show with my friends. And yes, I missed the requisite hugs that go with hanging out with my buds at an Agnew show. I definitely missed worshiping with friends who challenge and inspire me on my journey. As I put it to one of my friends, I had a good time, but Tomlin's not family the way my other friends are. But that's okay. A couple of times, I stole a glance at That Man, and he was actually smiling. If you've ever met my expressionless husband, you know that's a miracle.

So we had a good time. I worshiped. I encountered the Lord. And I did not find that the person on stage was too full of himself to be full of God. Today, as I was driving home from WFTJ in a cold induced daze (so sorry for going sick... I had no idea I was that sick until I got home!), one of Chris's songs that he did at the concert came on the radio, and I remembered the blessings of that night. No sick feeling in my stomach. Just the joy of being able to sing with gladness even though my throat burned.

One of the many themes that came up today at WFTJ was how refreshing it is to be among friends who can be real about their lives and their journeys. Even when we feel like putting a wrestling move on someone and body slamming them for annoying us. :) To me, that is such an integral part of worship. Being real, not body slamming people. Although I definitely vote in favor of the body slam... sorry, digressing... cold meds, you know.

The being real thing why I always have, and always will, appreciate the brand of worship Todd Agnew shares. And now, I can add someone else to my list: Chris Tomlin. I probably won't follow him around the country and make it a point to get a few of his shows each year on my calendar, but I will make a point of buying tickets whenever he's in town.

Real worship. Real folks. Love it when I get that taste of heaven.

For the record

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:35:29 GMT

I. Am. Exhausted.

It's Tuesday night, and I already have 27 hours in for the tax job this week. And that's JUST the tax job. I'm still writing, still doing my online job, and still trying to do the mom thing.

I'm also really overwhelmed. I know, smart move to be blogging instead of actually doing something about the things overwhelming me. But I'm really at the point of having so much to do that I don't even know where to take the first bite of the elephant called my life.

Today, I went to lunch after WFTJ, which I usually do, but of course, I felt guilty because of all the things I have to do. And then, I said, "too bad!" I need to do nice things for me once and a while, particularly when I'm working more hours than sane people should. Then again, I don't claim to be sane. So there ya go.

So what do you do? When you have so many things to do that you don't know where to even start, you're exhausted, and you have absolutely no room in your schedule?

One thing is for sure... I am going on strike in the cooking department. I tried to be organized. Planned menus for the week so everyone would have dinner. Left a very short to-do list for the fam to help me out. Asked for them to clean out the crock pot. They chose not to. I've decided not to cook until it's done. Is that mean of me?

And that, my friends, is what's going on in my life. Anything exciting in yours?

A moment to enjoy

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 05:04:15 GMT

Over the past few months, we've been dealing with my four year old having really bad eczema. She was referred to a specialist, but they couldn't get her in until today. The specialist walked in, took one look at her, said he knew exactly what was wrong, and promised me a new child within a week. And after his thorough exam and explanation, I believe him.

But that's not the point of my story.

As he examined her, he asked me questions like, "Does she have more behavioral issues than usual?" YES! "Is she grouchy?" YES!

He looked at me and said, "Your daughter is exhausted. She's not getting any sleep because she tosses and turns all night scratching."

Makes sense.

And then he says to me the beautiful words...

"You need to sedate your daughter."

Yes, my friends. FINALLY. Someone who understands my problem. She. Does. Not. Stop. Ever. And this sweet, lovely doctor, looks me in the eye and tells me that the crazy child who drives me nuts really does need to be sedated.

YES!!!

Okay, I know, I should probably not be so excited. But seriously, I never imagined that as the doctor questioned me about my daughter's behavior, and told him about how she drove me nuts, that his answer would be to sedate her. How many times do you wish that were the answer to your problems? And before I get concerned messages or folks sending me to social services, you should know that she's on a very strict medical regimen. And the "sedative" is actually a medication she needs for multiple purposes, and one of the side effects of said medication is that it's a sedative.

However it is such a relief to know that I don't have a horrible child. A lot of the things she's been doing and driving me nuts are, as the doctor put it, because she feels terrible and doesn't have a clue what's going on in her little body. And yes, it is pretty darn funny that part of the solution is to sedate her.

Just let me enjoy my moment.

Which reward are you seeking?

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 05:02:47 GMT

I gave notice at my tax job today. As of April 15th, I will officially be out of the tax business. It was the hardest thing I've done in a long time.

In previous blogs, I've alluded to the fact that I'm making changes to prioritize my life. This is the change I was talking about. I needed to wait for the right timing to give notice, and didn't want to tell the world until I'd done it.

See, as I explained to my boss, quitting my job was not one of those "I hate this job, good riddance" deals that most job changes tend to be. For me, it was giving up a job that I absolutely love. Yes, I love my job. I love connecting with people and making a positive change in their lives. Today, I found out that one of my clients got a divorce this past year and I wanted to cry because they're such special people and I care about them. I find tax law fascinating. I love empowering people with knowledge so that they don't fear the IRS but understand how to follow the law and get the maximum benefit the law entitles them to.

HOWEVER

Last year, God and I had a long series of conversations of His plans for me. Of what my real purpose in this life is.

I started my tax job because my husband had been laid off and had no prospects of another job for a long time. We had a family to support. And even though I was quite content in my role as SAHM, I needed to go to work so we could eat and pay our mortgage. Those were really tough times. Honestly, we survived because of miracles, small jobs here and there, and going into a lot of debt that we're still paying off. Our income now is embarrassingly high. Truly, I am ashamed of how much money we make and how little we have to show for it. Granted, much of it goes toward paying off the debt from the lean times: when we had little money to live off of, and when several business ventures did not work out, mostly because we trusted the wrong people.

But you know what? We do not NEED the money I am making at my tax job. Yes, the extras are nice. I like having the freedom to buy stuff because I want it. Do I need the stuff? Nope.

When God and I chatted about my purpose, He revealed a couple of important things to me. Number one, I am a wife and mother. That is such an important calling. And yet, because of all the work I do, I don't have time to be the kind of wife and mother my family needs me to be. Number two, I am a writer. Even if I never sell a book or reach bestselling status, I will always write. I will always tell stories. I will always have something to say. That's who I am. And again, I don't get to spend nearly the time on it that I'd like. So why am I taking my time and energy from those two things? For money we don't really need? Because it makes me feel good to get the constant praise, rewards, and acclaim I get at my job?

I feel good about my job because I get a lot of good strokes. A lot of good rewards. Praise. Acclaim. Promotions. Money. Bonuses. Titles. Yes, those things are good. But of what value are they when my husband and children aren't getting the attention they need? When I can't focus on writing the stories that make my soul sing? I might feel good, but I'm missing out on the most important things in my life. Even though I love my job, the rewards I get from that job, while they give me immediate satisfaction, do not last.

Matthew 6 talks about the difference between earthly rewards and heavenly rewards. All the outward praise and acclaim we get from others is our reward, paid in full. All the treasures we gain here on earth will fade away and will not be here for us to enjoy. Yes, we need money to pay the bills, but sometimes those bills add up to a lot of things we don't really need. We can't serve both God and money, and in this country, we do a lot of money serving. We justify it with a lot of talk about what we need, but I have seen how amazingly God provides for our needs when we let Him. He says He will... Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."

After living so many years from miracle to miracle, and working so hard to stay afloat, I believe that our family, like so many families in this country, reversed that principle. We started working for the things, thinking that eventually his kingdom would come. Um... no. That's not how the Bible says it works, now does it?

Back when I first made the decision to quit my job in response to the things God was stirring up in my heart, one of the verses that God brought to my attention was James 1:6-8. "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." God kept telling me I was a double-minded man. I strayed from the purpose God gave me because I started relying on myself to provide for our needs. Not just financially, but for the false value it gave me on a personal level. Don't get me wrong, I do believe my job was a much-needed miracle that God provided.

But now, the time is over. And God is asking me to trust Him, in a time of economic uncertainty for our country, a time when peope would love to be making what I'm making, and to give it all up. He's asking me to find value in the often thankless task of butt-wiping, homework supervising, and being the bad guy. Am I willing to give up the earthly reward and seek Him?

Please don't think that by my "I'm so empowered by God" post that I have this figured out. I'll admit, it was hard not to cave when my bosses offered me alternatives and more money to stay. Trust me, I'll spend the next four months hearing about more incentives they can think up. And then there's going to be the immediate gratification of clients whose lives I impact that's going to have me wishing I could stay, particularly on the days when I'm leaving the house to "You're such a mean mom for making me do my homework/clean my room/not watch shows that are bad/etc." I'm a human being, and those human rewards feel so good at times.

These next few months, I'm going to have to cling harder than ever to the hope that God has given me, and to continue to trust that His plan is so much better for me than my own, even if my own seems to feel good at the time. I've never tried drugs, but I understand they feel good at the time too. I've just never been willing to sacrifice the long term benefit of not frying my brain for the short term bliss of drugs. And I guess, as we look at earthly rewards versus heavenly rewards, it's the same principle.

So keep looking. Keep seeking. Keep holding on to the fact that today's reward isn't going to be nearly as good as what God has planned for us.

Just when you think you've whipped the mom thing into shape

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:41:35 GMT

I almost had a great mommy day.

Got up, fixed the kiddos eggs, cleaned up the house a bit, had the kids pick up some toys, and then told them to get dressed so we could run errands.

Proud mommy moment... little princess dresses herself in one of her princess dresses. Usually, I groan and say, "sorry honey, this isn't what I had in mind," and make her change. Not today. Not when I'm being good mommy. I decide to embrace her individuality and accept her for the bling bling princess she is. I even help her get her hair just right... as in super princess-y.

I'm telling you, I'm such a good mom.

We arrive at my FIL's, because I'm driving some friends down to the Springs tonight to visit a friend, and I thought I'd have him give the old car a once-over- check the tires, oil, etc. Don't want to kill my friends.

So then, little princess decides to climb the big cottonwood in his back yard. Personally, I'm not all that fond of my children climbing trees. That whole safety thing. But hubby thinks it's great and character building and all that. So I decide again, I'm going to be good mommy. I'm going to let go of my fears of my child breaking her neck, and I say nothing as she's climbing the tree in her princess dress and ballerina shoes.

Once she's about ten feet up, I notice something rather horrifying. She's not wearing underwear.

I call up to her and ask her, "why aren't you wearing underwear?"

"I didn't feel like it. And I couldn't find any princess ones."

Lovely. I'm now wondering if I have an adult entertainment star in the making. This, after I'd just told her that her name means pure. But, because I'm being good mommy, I embrace this aspect of her personality. She's only four. I can teach her that wearing underwear is a good thing, and help her to make sure she always has plenty of princess panties on hand. Or, I can just institute a mandatory underwear check.

Right.

We finish our errands, leaving the final chore: taking them to the library. Personally, I hate our library. It's very cold and uninviting. I really wish they'd make the children's section of libraries warm, fun, and interesting. Plus, it smells funny. Very unlibrarylike. But I digress.

So we walk the sidewalk towards the library. Princess is bouncing and skipping, because that, as my friend the preschooler teacher tells me, is what four year olds do. I'm trying to embrace this aspect of my princess, except with each bounce, her dress flies up, showing off her girl parts. So I very calmly, very politely, tell her that she must walk carefully and not let her dress fly up so no one can see what's underneath. And she semi complies.

We walk through the main library area into the children's area. The girls race off, ready to find their books. I'm trying to remain nonchalant about the fact that my daughter isn't wearing underwear. In public. I notice the librarian staring at my princess. I start to worry that she's flashed someone and we're going to be kicked out for indecent exposure.

As she sashayes into the next row, I realize something horrible. During the tree climbing expedition, she's torn the back of her dress. So regardless of how she walks or stands, everyone who can view her backside gets the view of a very bare butt, covered only by a wisp of very see-through fabric. Picture something mommy might wear for daddy at night. Yep. That's about what my daughter looked like from behind.

Good mommy got drop kicked to the other side of the universe. I grabbed the little one with one hand, scooped up enough loose material to cover her backside, and yelled... yes I yelled in the library... for my other daughter to hurry up and get over here. We raced through the library, grabbing random books for the kiddos to read so I could say that I kept my promise of going to the library and checking things out, and then we got the heck out of Dodge.

For the record, I am never again going to try to be good mommy. I am not going to understand the quirks of their personalities and I am not going to let them leave the house without making sure they are wearing something appropriate and that their girl parts are fully covered. Yes, underwear checks for all.

I should have taken pictures. By the time I'd overcome the horror that my daughter has flashed every little boy in the known world, thus forcing moms everywhere to have a certain talk with their sons before they were ready, we'd gone home, did not pass go, and put some bright yellow, you'll wear them princess or not, underwear on her little butt.

However, I will be telling this story to every prospective husband. Scratch that. Probably not the best thing for a guy to know about a girl he's looking to date. "Hey did you know that she doesn't like wearing underwear?" "Really? Cool!" Uh, no. Not cool. Not my daughter, thank you very much. But rest assured. This story will get out. And I will make sure to tell it in the most embarrassing place so she never, ever goes without underwear again!

Thursday Thirteen #74: Discarded Thoughts

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:27:42 GMT

So the official Thursday Thirteen is gone... sniff sniff... But a few folks are trying to keep it alive, and I guess as long as I remember to do it, I'm game.

Couldn't think of anything to blog about, so here are my discarded thoughts.

1. It's New Year's Day, and I suppose I should blog about something New Years-y. Not in the mood.
2. Resolutions. Don't have the resolve, otherwise, I'd be doing it.
3. Chuck. Just got into the show, thanks to my lovely friend Jen.
4. Hulu.com. I can catch up on TV and movies for free. Thanks to my lovely friend Mo.
5. I took a really long nap today. Not sure if that's a good thing, or even blog worthy, but there it is.
6. The dog. He thinks I'm the Queen of the Universe.
7. I have a headache. I slept funny on the couch during my nap.
8. I feel like I'm behind the eight ball, don't know how to catch up, and not really sure what I'm supposed to be catching up on.
9. I should probably be writing, but I don't know what to work on.
10. My TBR shelf is out of control, and I don't really know where to start in catching up.
11. I'm also debating about what to study next in the Bible.
12. My word for the year. Check out Marilynn Griffith's blog to understand what I mean.
13. The whole get in shape idea and how my lack of time is really stressing me out.

I probably will blog about some of these things. But not now. I think I'm going to go watch Chuck on Hulu.

Meaning

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 05:58:42 GMT

I've been trying to think of something to blog since Christmas and am coming up flat. Ugh. For a writer, I feel like a failure. The idea pool is dried up. I just can't think of anything meaningful to share with anyone.

At the moment, I'm pretty ashamed of the fact that I've made no progress on anything of significance over the past few days. Well, except for the fact that my house is clean, which was only accomplished by screaming like a shrew at everyone in the house and having to sit and cry in my bedroom because I felt so sorry for myself at having to live with such pigs. Charming, I know. But that's my winning personality.

Mostly, though, I've done nothing. Tried to knit a few times, but am really irritated at the fact that I can't make this one stitch look right, so I've knitted and torn out this piece about fifty times. And no, that's not an exaggeration, it's a sign of what an obsessive perfectionist I am. Which is why, if I decide to make something for someone, I'll tell them when I give it to them, and not before, so they don't expect it anytime soon. At this rate, I'll have the scarf I'm knitting done sometime before the second coming.

I've also brewed a few pots of tea in my new teapot. LOVE it, except I've realized that I need a tea cozy to keep it warm. Which means I need to drastically improve my knitting skills, because the patterns are a little more complicated than I have ability for.

I've written a couple of workshop proposals, put together some marketing and planning stuff for work, played a little Crackrat (which is so irritating with the tickets and XL garbage), walked the dog (twice!), taught a tax class (and let's not go into what a total snafu that was, thanks to the tech team forgetting that I still have another two weeks of class), tried to research why my little one has such bad eczema all of a sudden, brought yummies to the neighbors, stressed over the paperwork nightmare I still have to sort, thought about putting things together to refinance the house, and sat very firmly on my backside, making the Danica's butt shaped impression in the couch even more noticeable.

And in it, I have absolutely no satisfaction, because when it all comes down to it, none of it matters. This time next year, when I'm sitting in my even more butt-shaped spot on the couch, will I even remember any of this junk? Will anyone? And no, this isn't some, oh I'm so depressed thing. It's not that I'm depressed. I just wish I could be doing something more valuable right now.

This afternoon, I laid on on the couch with the girlies watching a My Little Pony movie. Riveting stuff. I pondered my whole "why aren't I doing something more meaningful" dilemma. I napped for a bit, until the little one woke me up, saying, "Mom! You're supposed to be watching with us, not sleeping." And as I stood corrected, I realized that right now, the most meaningful thing I need to be doing is sitting right here, watching this cheesy movie, and letting my little girls know that I am fully present in their lives.

When I was a little girl, the thing I wanted most was to have a mom and dad who were active in my life. They were there, sure, but I don't ever remember doing anything with my mom. She was always too busy. My dad lived on the other side of the country, so my time with him was limited. All I wanted was to be known and loved by them.

And so here I am, looking at my two little girls, mad because I haven't done anything of significance lately, and I realized that I've done some of the most meaningful things anyone can do with a person. During my knitting nightmare, the little one sat on my lap with her own needles and yarn, trying to make the mother of all baby blankets for her dollies. She saw me try, fail, and try again. We shared some of my special tea. I gave her a bath with oatmeal in it, hoping to ease the eczema (didn't work), and then, because her new Barbies had to have a bath with her, helped her clean all the oatmeal out of their hair. I made curlies in her hair, which meant we had dinner a little later than I'd planned, but it made her feel so pretty. I listened to the girls talk at dinner about the animal games they'd made up. I wore the ugly and extremely itchy bead necklace my little one made out of pipe cleaners and plastic beads because she thought it would make me a beautiful mommy princess.

What is the meaning of what I do? What am I accomplishing?

I used to have grand dreams of all the great things I was going to do. Sometimes I get frustrated because I'm not doing any of it. Occasionally, the voice of the college administrator rings in the back of my head as I hear her condescendingly tell me that I'm wasting my education.

But as I look at the little girl sleeping next to me, all of those voices stop making me so crazy. What does it matter if I save the world only to lose the most precious thing on earth?

I heard someone say somewhere that your calling is to do the thing that God has put into your life at that moment to the very best of your ability. Right now, God has put a couple of little girls in my life. He made me to be their mommy. I was created to be their mom. I keep saying that with a high level of awe, because really, it's about the most awesome thing I can think of. A very clear something that God has said, "here, do this."

And maybe, despite my earlier lamentations about having nothing meaningful to share, I've just shared the most meaningful thing God has shown me in a long time.

Regifting Dilemma

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:45:57 GMT

I am very nearly done with my Christmas shopping. When I say very nearly, I mean that I have just a couple of gifts to buy. Namely for my sister and sister-in-law.

I should explain that they live about four hours away. My sister and I have not really gotten along very well, and frankly, from the conversations I have had with her, I can't say that we have all that much in common. Honestly, I don't even know what she'd want or not want.

Then we have my SIL. Nice young gal. Barely know her. In case you haven't figured it out, I don't exactly spend a lot of time in my hometown. From what I do know about her, the only things I can think of are things NOT to get her.

So today, my mom and I were talking about Christmas and how it stinks to buy presents for people just for the sake of buying them a present. It just seems to be completely misrepresenting the spirit of the season. And yet, we all do it. I will also admit to being one of those people who put a lot of energy and thought into the gifts I give. So it's killing me that I have no idea what to get them. I have asked around, as discreetly as possible, about what I could get them. Everyone faces the same dilemma.

Just a bit ago, I went downstairs to dig through my holiday junk and I found two of those Christmas bath sets. I realized that they were things I'd been given last year, and because I am allergic to most of that stuff, I put them aside to find someone to pass them on to. And then forgot. So here it is, Christmas, and I have to admit, I was tempted to take the easy way out and get them both bath sets or candles or something. And what pops up, unused, in my office? Two bath sets.

How rude would it be for me to give them to my sister and SIL as Christmas gifts?

If it's too rude, what should I do with them, because I will honestly never use them?

And if that idea isn't a good one, does anyone have any idea what I can give them? I really would like to give them something good, something thoughtful, and something that doesn't scream, "you obviously don't know me very well at all, do you?"

*sigh*